When I was in high school I spent a lot of time in the theatre. For us the theatre was a "cafe-torium." In the back of the cafe-torium, above the kitchen, was an area sometimes used for storage we liked to call the Abyss. It was very dark, and kinda scary back there. As kids, we would dare each other to climb back there. I did once.
As an adult I am no longer afraid of scary geographical places, no matter the location. Been there, done that. However, there are still dark and scary places in my life that I don't like to go to very often. Emotional places, personal places. I'm fighting off a journey into the Abyss.
I have wonderful news. A blessing in my life. We are going to have another baby. And at 44 I am actually looking forward to expanding my family and all of the joy that comes with another family member in my life. I really am. That's what is so weird about how I am feeling otherwise.
God is working on me. He is killing off the old man so that he can build a new one. One that will lead his ever-expanding family into the unknown to come, another abyss of sorts. That process of killing off the old is difficult and painful. And while I trust my Father in Heaven, that trust does not make the process any easier to bear.
Of course this is not the first time I've stood upon the precipice of the abyss and looked down. The good news is that I am fighting it less in my mature age, and I know that the results will be worth the trials. God is ever faithful to me, I wish I was able to return His commitment.