The Abyss

When I was in high school I spent a lot of time in the theatre. For us the theatre was a "cafe-torium." In the back of the cafe-torium, above the kitchen, was an area sometimes used for storage we liked to call the Abyss. It was very dark, and kinda scary back there. As kids, we would dare each other to climb back there. I did once.

As an adult I am no longer afraid of scary geographical places, no matter the location. Been there, done that. However, there are still dark and scary places in my life that I don't like to go to very often. Emotional places, personal places. I'm fighting off a journey into the Abyss.

I have wonderful news. A blessing in my life. We are going to have another baby. And at 44 I am actually looking forward to expanding my family and all of the joy that comes with another family member in my life. I really am. That's what is so weird about how I am feeling otherwise.

God is working on me. He is killing off the old man so that he can build a new one. One that will lead his ever-expanding family into the unknown to come, another abyss of sorts. That process of killing off the old is difficult and painful. And while I trust my Father in Heaven, that trust does not make the process any easier to bear.

Of course this is not the first time I've stood upon the precipice of the abyss and looked down. The good news is that I am fighting it less in my mature age, and I know that the results will be worth the trials. God is ever faithful to me, I wish I was able to return His commitment.

Getting My Attention

God got a hold of me this week. He got my attention... big time. Not in a bad way, but in a way I'm not ready to share yet. I am lucky. God loves me enough to pursue me, chase me down if he has to.

I also saw an AMAZING concert Friday night. Josh Garrels, my favorite artist, played at a very cool old theatre in Encinitas. It was also fun to hang out with many of the folks from The Roots Church.

I haven't written in a long time. I have a feeling that is about to change.

Farther Along - Josh Garrels

Still I get hard pressed on every side
Between the rock and a compromise
Like the truth and pack of lies fightin’ for my soul
And I’ve got no place left go
Cause I got changed by what I’ve been shown
More glory than the world has known
Keeps me ramblin’ on

Moving Day(s)

We moved in to our new house yesterday and spent our first night here last night. What an amazing feeling. I am so thankful. I got the call that we had recorded as I was driving the packed moving van over to the new house. Close call. God provided lots of helpers, and lots of prayer yesterday. I wish I could say that we were "all moved in," but there will be more moving of stuff today, and we may not be "moved in" for months. This has been a 3 year process; and we have moved 3 times in those 3 years. But now we are settled, rooted, and I hope that I NEVER have to move again.

Transitions

There is no doubt that making transitions is not just difficult in the classroom, but even more difficult in real life. We are in the last hours of a house purchase that has taken 3 years. The seconds tick away like hours; the hours like weeks. Whereas we should be excited about the changes, my wife, the kids, and I are simply stressed out. Good things are happening, but our anticipation of the happenings is wrecking us. So hard to submit when we're so close to the close. But in a few days, God willing, we will be moving and all the current pressure will be replaced by new pressures. God has blessed us in amazing ways through this process. He has provided for us financially, and given us the time we have required to make this transition appropriately for our family. I want so badly to grab control now and cross the finish line with MY foot on the gas pedal. Relax. Deep cleansing breaths. Ahh....

The Comforting Hands of God

I am slowly recovering from the emotional wreckage of losing one of my best friends and mentors last month coupled with the sale of my father's house, 10 years after his death. To lose the one and leave the other is just brutal. I am in a funk. Usually at traumatic times like this I can feel the comforting hands of God supporting me. It seems like that feeling should be intensified knowing that my father and my best friend are now with the Lord. God lifts me up everyday, but for the first time in a long time I feel lost. Maybe it's middle age kicking in, maybe it's the lack of any concrete goal in my life right now, or maybe it's the constant barrage of imagery from the devastation all around the world (I was awoken this morning at 4 AM by not 1 but 2 nearby earthquakes). Or maybe this is God's way of building up a desperation inside of me that He will use to achieve his will in my life. I haven't written in a long time either. During the times that I use to write, I now exercise. Exercise is another great outlet and tension reliever. I thought that by the time I reached this plateau in my life that I'd have it all together. But I don't. Sure, I've achieved many of my goals, and I am very proud of that. However, I am still just as broken and messed up as ever. Everyday is a struggle, a battle internally and externally. What scares me is that I now have fewer and fewer mentors and sage guides to go to for clarity and context. Of course I read my bible, and of course I know that I should be celebrating the victory of Christ's death on the cross, and not worried about the day to day struggle. But it's still a struggle, and even with the love of my wife, children, family and friends, I still feel alone in that struggle. So right now I tell myself that I am in that unknowing place between adventures in life. I am waiting for the next mountain to climb. I need to rest and be prepared for whatever the Father brings me next. While I wait I will do my best to rest in the comforting hands of God.

Jeff

43

Today is my 43rd birthday. Funny how 43 doesn't feel any different than 33 or even 23. Well, a little different than 23. Some of my advanced students brought me spicy Thai food and cakes for lunch. Very fun. And I've had lots of nice text messages and bulletin posts at Facebook. I am so thankful for being so blessed.

Losing Dad

My father passed away 10 years ago today, just 9 days past his 62nd birthday. Colon cancer. It was 10 weeks from the day that he was diagnosed to the day he died. No, he had not got checked regularly. My mother and I held his hand as he took his last breath, and then faded away, turning ashen. I like to think that my dad is in heaven, but I'm not sure. Although I felt that I knew my father well, we spent lots of time together, I don't know if he was saved or not.

I miss my dad everyday. I wish that he was here to see his three beautiful granddaughters born after his passing, and to see his older grandchildren mature. I wish I could sit down and talk to him the way we once did; that I could seek his advice and council in the many complex matters of life. I'd love to share one more martini (gin, straight up, extra dry, two olives). I'd love to smell his stinky cigar again.

Losing my dad was traumatic and tragic. However, losing my dad strengthened my faith, my marriage, and my family. Losing my dad made me take my health much more seriously (and yes, I get regular checkups and exams). But the most significant thing about losing my dad was that his passing forced me to look upward towards my Father for guidance and inspiration in my life. For that I am thankful.

Endless Summer

A few weeks ago the buyer of our home pulled out. It's funny, but I wasn't shocked, or concerned. I was confident that God was in control. Perhaps I was so panicked that I was numb, and so felt no feeling at all. But it wasn't that. I was calm because I know that God is faithful and has proven it to me time after time.

Two weeks later we got another offer on the house. This time from our neighbor up there who wants to use it as a corporate retreat. His offer is cash, but he wants a 1-year option to decided if the property will work for his company. He is willing to pay a handsome (huge) monthly payment for the year while he decides. Thank you Father.

During the same time the landlord of the rental house that we are currently living in explained that they were ready to reoccupy their home. We started shopping for a new rental and found the house in the picture above. Built in 1910, it is located in one of the local historic districts. I have always wanted to live in a house like this. We signed the lease yesterday.

In the middle of all this I went to Las Vegas with 4 high school/college friends whom I have not seen in many, many years. But what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Actually is was a very sweet experience. It's amazing how real friendships transcend time and place.

I also completed riding 300 miles on my bike in the month of July. After this morning's ride I'll have ridden 100 miles in August already. However, school starts again on Wednesday.

Getaway

My wife and I spent last night at the Morongo Casino Resort. Awesome and very affordable. We spent yesterday afternoon by the pool, enjoyed a good dinner, and even gambled a little. Best of all we were alone together for the first time in about 5 years!

Summer Rain

I woke this morning at 5:30 to the sound of summer rain. I was up at our house in the mountains that is in escrow to be sold. The moving process seems endless. My goal is to be out by the end of this month. We should close escrow by Labor Day, and then it will be done.

4AM

Just home from graduation. What a great night. I love to watch the graduates walk up to receive their diploma (holder). The expression on their faces is priceless. Then the hugs and the tears after are always some of my most memorable moments. Congratulations Class of 2009!

I'm writing the night before (but publishing the day of) because I am getting up at 4am to drive my wife, Pamela, to the airport. She is spending the weekend with her sister in Colorado. I'll be chasing around the 5 little Bibos all weekend long, or rather, they will be chasing after me.

Mother Bibo turns 67 today

My mother's story, and the event of her 67th birthday, is amazing. Less than a year after my dad passed away from Colon Cancer in 1999, Mom was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, or plasma cell cancer. When she was diagnosed her back was already in such bad shape that she required a metal rod to be implanted in order to stand upright. I was with her when the doctor (Dad's doctor) told her she had 12 to 18 months to live. Having just survived my father's cancer journey (he lived 10 weeks beyond his diagnosis), Mom was devastated, again. But instead of giving up, she gave it to God. The pastors of our church came and laid hands in prayer, she moved nearby a local, and very famous, hospital whose cancer treatments would be aggressive, and followed every instruction her Oncologist gave her. Although Mom was concerned about her future, she had the confidence of knowing that she was saved, and that the worst thing that could happen was that she got to meet Jesus face-to-face. If you did not know that my mom had a terminal illness, you wouldn't know it from seeing her on her birthday. Happy birthday Mom, I wish you many, many more.

New Mexico Pinon Coffee

I originally found New Mexico Pinon coffee at Trader Joe's. Now I just order it online direct from the manufacturer. This coffee is amazing,far better than Starbucks or any of the other expensive brews out there. In the spring of 2008 we vacationed in New Mexico and I drove by the shop. It's a tiny little business in an industrial center.

I don't indulge myself in many things, but good coffee is worth the investment.

Sam's Birthday

Sixteen years ago today I became a father for the first of 5 times. What an amazing experience is parenting. As my oldest turns 16 today, my youngest turned 2 two weeks ago. Not everyone wants to parent children, and not everyone should. But for me, being my children's dad is the best (and most challenging) experience of my life.
(not a recent picture, but one of my "Favre"ites)

Welcome!

Ok, so enough Cal Teacher Blog. I'm going to try actual blogging, and not just writing essays. At least for the summer that is. We'll see how long I can go before I'm still so full of teacher stuff that I have to get it down on paper to stay sane. Happy Memorial Day weekend.